Sunday, 1 March 2015

On the verge between childhood and adulthood...



 It's one o'clock in the night and I am laying in bed wide awake writing this post that I have never intended writing. I was thinking that this blog was going to be one of those beautiful blogs with amazing photography, gorgeous girls posing with their brand new fashionable clothes, but it turns out it's not. ( I really hope one day probably when I learn how to take good photos, buy a better camera, have someone to help me and  take photos of me with my new clothes and learn how to pose because it is definitely not my strongest skill if I can call it that way) For now I am just going to accept the fact that this is the best I can do and hope to get better. But this is not what this post is going to be about. On the 22 of March ( meaning next month OMG) I am going to be 18 which for many of you probably doesn't mean anything but for people from most European countries this is the age when you officially become an adult. At 18 you are allowed to vote, drive a car and of course legally drink, smoke, have sex and all of that jazz( not that I do any of these things and I don't really see myself smoking in the near future). This is like the most important. birthday in your life because it ends your childhood  and your "new life" begins. Bullshit if you ask me! Your mum and dad are still going to phone you at 8:30pm asking where you are and when are you coming home and you are still going to need your parents permission to go clubbing or sleep at a friends house. No matter if your 17 or 18 you're still their child and they are going to treat you like one untill you die of old age.  But let's not talk about parents because we all know how they are. I don't know if it's because I am in a Saturn hole ( I am not sure if it called like that but my family uses the term for when there is a month or less before your birthday) or because it's such an "important birthday" that I feel so nervous and kind of sad. As usual for the last several years I am not going to have a party because of my lack of friends to invite ( but that's a whole different story so let's not get into details in that) And I feel like I am going to miss the one and only birthday in my life of such importance and i just wish that it was a little bit later, probably when I had overcome me social awkwardness and found friends with whom I could celebrate the "most important day in my life"  the day "when my life actually starts" . But no. I am going to lay in bed all day, eat cake,cry a little bit and go to bed like any other day except for the cake and the crying because you don't get to do this everyday. I mean everybody else is going to have an amazing party with awesome gifts and unforgettable memoris but well I guess I am not that type of person. Also another thing that's worrying me is growing up. Because when you are like 14, 15 even 17 you know that you are still a kid (eventhough sometimes you act as if you are all grown up) and you know that people don't expect to much from you. But all of a sudden you become an adult and everyone expects you to be all grown up now and be responsible for stuff and make right decisions and it scares me that I am not going to be good enough, that I am going to make wrong decisions, let people down and just waste everybody's time. I am afraid that I am never going to live life at it's maximum  because of my social awkwardness and inability to feel chilled around people. And if it was okay for me to not have a boyfriend untill now because I am too young it is not okay now that I am becoming 18 because I am not little anymore. I know that all of this sounds extremely stupid and childish, for heavens sake I am 18 years old, and in 10 years time I am going to laugh at myself for writing this shit and wasting all of your time but this is  how I feel right now and I thought if I have no one to share this face to face why not share it with you guys. If you feel the same way I will be very happy if you share it in the comments and I am very sory if i just wasted you time. 

xoxo Moni

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